Where is Max Green

Memory is an interesting thing. I recently met a girl who I went to school with in the 70's and 80's, we groped in history lessons and danced at school discos. I remembered her but she had to ask my name. I have not changed.

I could name all 32 people in my primary school class even now- including Max Green, someone I have not seen or heard of for 35 years. Perhaps we all have different strengths in memory. Sometimes I can't remember people I met yesterday. Many people I know claim to remember very little of their lives and childhood in any detail which I find strange.

My earliest memory is standing in my cot screaming and gripping the corners, the orange and blue cat wall-paper, white plastic cot bumper and yellow blanket can all be seen. The cot is white wood and in the back corner of the room. I must be around 18 months to 2 years old.

Months later the next memory is the purchase of a bed from "Trewins" a local department store. Standing in the shop beside the bed, standing at home beside the bed with the purple blanket that my grandmother bought me being spread across the bed. Still under three years old. To this day I love being in bed. None of these events are particular turning points in my life so why do I remember them?

Lets get to the point, I have a theory about time. Time is a linear line. If we had perfect memory we could exist or experience life at any point along that line on which we have existed. Time would cease to be important as we could go back and relive points or days or hours in the past through memory. Death would be a point in the future that you need never get to. Your life would be eternal, re-living constantly the earlier memories, but then all of this would take time or, like dreams, do memories actually occupy time or are they instant or speeded up?

The memory would reflect the particular point in time you had chosen to re-live. Would it then be possible, if reliving an earlier time to "see" the future as a memory also. If one had total recall you could live as a child again but knowing the future and having the knowledge of an adult. To travel in time would then be a trick of the mind limited only by your life span on earth. Deja-vous explained.

Memo to self. Work on perfecting total memory recall.

Perhaps I am losing it?

That arse Mathew Norman

To be a decent press reporter requires a degree of neutrality. Journalism is not ostensibly about saying what you want but is more about reporting on an event. We all take for granted that there will be a little bit of bias creeping in around the edges, particularly when reading the less worthy organs of the 5th estate like the Evening Standard, Sun and Burn The Witches (sorry... Mail on Sunday).

That he should become a regular sports writer is neither here nor there, the obvious thing is he should suspend his own prejudices to report in as unbiased a fashion as possible. His article however commenting on the Carling Cup final is, how can I say it nicely, slightly unfair to Chelsea.

A quick resume of procedings would note that Chelsea played their full squad and Arsenal put out a fairly young side bringing on some more experienced players late in the game. Arsenal were the better side in the first half and Chelsea were lucky to come in at half time at 1:1. As a neutral (rabid Chelsea fan) I accept that MN is right to suggest that in the future Arsenal will be a team to be reckonned with if their existing exceptional talent stays at the club. No dispute with that point either. MN mentions that he felt cheated as Didier Drogba's first half goal was "nearly off side". Nearly off-side of course is not actually off side and the goal stands, even in the eyes of post match tv refereeing!

In a slower second half Arsenal started brightly but after 10 or fifteen minutes the pendulum swung in favour of the more experienced Chelsea team. John Terry, Frank Lampard, Micheal Ballack, Andrey Shevchenko, Didier Drogba, Arjen Robben, Ricardo Carvalho, Diarra, all began to play together and Chelsea hit the cross bar twice. Arsenal began to fade and in a goal mouth scramble Terry, diving for a header meets an Arsenal boot and is knocked unconcious. After 10 minutes when the players had recovered from their shock at Terry's injury, the tempo built back up and Chelsea appeared to be dominating. Suddenly, from a sloppy pass Robben picks up the ball in the Arsenal half and sweeps a magnificent cross to the very head of Didier Drogba who has slipped away from the woeful Senderos and scores the winner five or six minutes from time.

This is followed by a bit of handbags from both sides (not so much Arsenals youngsters but their more senior stalwarts) sparking off a bit of a brawl. Three players are sent off, the game ends Chelsea win. Now that is reported in a relatively unbaised fashion. MN however simply ignores what was a fascinating match of two different styles of football, and a legitimate win for Chelsea but prefers to describe the game as a one sided romp by Arsenals' boys who were unlucky to lose against a thuggish Chelsea with no talent or imagination.

Thanks. That MN is not fit to write about sport is obvious. He ascribes a hated of Jose to Arsene Wenger that can only reflect his own impoverished opinion, ascribes a moral victory to Arsenal which fails to reflect that this is not a political point but a football match which Chelsea won decisively by scoring more goals than the other team and fails to spot that Jose may have been employing tactics that may not have been too pretty but which, within the laws of the game, entitle him to be called the winner.

That MN also tries to create, as with much of the press, a fued between Jose and Abramovich to sell more papers and undermine his position is no more credible than his laughable attempt to write about sport in an unbiased way. I am not however constrained by the need to remain neutral and can state quite frankly that I think Mathew Norman is a cunt. I do like his missus however.

Wii

The new Nintendo- I know I have noted before the artificial scarcity ruse of corporations to sell overpriced products but the Wii is taking it too far. There are none available unless you order them from Germany or conversely from main stockists where the price is helpfully around £250. If you try harder you can see them advertised at their long term price of £179 but guess what, these are not available. Wait or pay.

Anyway if you pay you will get "the most advanced home game console ever" except you only get one numchuk (WTF is a numchuk and where did they get the word from- did they name it after the inventor or the name he gave to his penis?) so you can only play alone and must buy an additional bit of kit for the attendant siblings or solo playing will further erode off-springs personality. I am assuming here that it has been purchased for off-spring and that the buyer is not one of those idiot peter pan twenty-somethings with only a moderate grip on reality those destined never to make adulthood or sustain a meaningful relationship - er present company excepted of course.

There is something about bloggers that indicates to me that they (we?) are the retaionship-o-phobes who can express themselves on the interblog but not to our nearest and dearest ....

You will get fit chucking yer numchuk around the room hoping the wi-fi works and giving the kids the idea that they are exercising while playing computer games afterall. Yeah right .

Prepare for a spate of press reports no doubt heralded in the "Daily Mail" (UK shit paper for our overseas reader(s)), of num-chuckers elbow or "Nintendo's should come with a health warning that game play can harm your elbows (not to mention you ability to communicate with your peers, personal development, mental health and the size of your arse).

Prepare for a spate of teenagers with one enormous bicep over-developed beyond the usual w******s grip from too long clutching the num-chuck.

Your £250 toy comes with one game as standard (Numchuck sports or some such) which the little gits will tire of in under a week and will then revert to requesting gang-war-prostitute- battering-car thieving-mugger training games at the princely sum of £40 each.

So when you've bought your console, your spare num-chuck, and your new game, exercised the kids for half a day and instilled in them the full couch potato philosophy that is making UK children the fattest, laziest and least socially adept of the modern world you can ask yourself- who is the fekkin num-chuck now?

Go on treat yourself. I will.

The News

Guess what, the great barrier reef will be dead in two years because of sun-bleaching and global warming - yes the water temperature will kill all the lickle corals and the reef will die. The Australian government are going to put up curtains to protect it. (This tends to ignore the suggestion that global warming will alegedly raise sea levels by anything between 1 and 3 metres thereby protecting the reef from direct sun damage). Come on be consistent.

Oh yes and if Global warming continues we will have rationing in the UK because food production does too much harm to the environment and you can't eat meat or cereals or vegatables anymore as their production harms the environment. Back to hunter gatherer then I guess.

This chimes with obviously no longer eating food from abroad as getting it here will also harm the environment. Good bye fair-trade bananas, good bye third world fledgling economy.

Oh yes and this will be the hottest year on record ever as January has already been rather hot (although not as hot as 1907 or somesuch when no one worried about global warming, the skies were filled with smog from burning fossil fuels and industry was energy intensive, houses were not lagged and corn-fields, moores and heaths were regularly burned).

By the way, for those who dont know yet, I drive a fuck off big 4x4 and regularly run down children quaintly paying in the streets in it deliberately. I have made said vehicle particularly lethal by adding chrome roo bars as in down town hertfordshire you never know quite what you are going to hit while talking on the phone to your stockbroker/hooker/booky at 70mph.

Today's health scare is that MRSA is gonna get ya as it got more people last year than the year before. You will not however in all probability die of polio or TB and the life expectancy of the average western male continues to rise inexorably.

Please could aliens invade the moon or the Russions return to the cold war so that we can all have some real news and somthing different to worry about other than the "War on Global Warming" for whch Prince Charles has nominated himself to be our champion ( no doubt reflecting on the glory to come while toasting his feet in front of a large wood fuelled fire in one of his 14 houses after a tough day at the wheel of his 5 litre Aston Martin).

We could always go back to "The War on Terror"(Twat ) for short although as national scare story currency this is not selling papers.

A good shortcut to get rid of the crappy eco stories and health scares would be if the CPS could only bring themselves to charge TB with flogging gongs and then we only have nine months of Gordons' first hundred days to worry about.

Fuck.

Blog Awards

No. Thanks but no.

Time magazine has awarded those who create internet content its man of the year award.

Bored Yet?

Think about it.

Pornographers?

Race-hate sites?

Marketting companies?

Spam?

I dont think so.

Theswearinglady? Hutton?Jonnythetwatfromnorfolk? Spinsterella? Surly Girl? Kaz? Myboyfriendisatwat ? All deserving. But please. Take the award and post it up yer' chocolate starfish.

Who gives a shit frankly. Its good to see that the old 5th Estate is trying to bring its sad traditions and practices to the 6th estate. The old media trying to get to grips with the new, to mainstream it and control it, to own it- Time Warner / News International/ Google? Are they the next Microsoft?

While I am rambling on about control- How about the new Sony MP3 players (they have a crappy name like swoosh or something but I really cannot be arsed to find out what it is). They are obviously really good. You can download only from Sony sites- only Sony Music? You can share your music with your mates (so long as they have the same overpriced wotsit) and then they can listen to it twice before it ereases itself. Sony have a history of pulling this shit. Only their own sites/products/etc can be compatible. Different world regions so that they can hike the price in the UK and US. Learnt alot from Microsoft and the avoidance of univerasal compatability.

A pernicious corporation seeking to recoup investment in the music industry. Don't they even have a clue as to why MP3 took off- Becuase we are all heartilly sick of being ripped off by the old media firms like Sony. Do they get it?

I was going to do a piece on Obituaries and even read a dreadful book about them but could not bring the subject to life haha. Thats it for now but loads more ranting to come. New Year. New iritations.

Climax

Now the term war on climate change has finally been coined can any more of you see that it is just an arrogant fantasy. No, it's still just me isn't it?

"The War on climate change" or "you're all arses" for short is simply a way for Gordon Brown and the tax fiends to bugger the fuck out of the earning man by stealing all his hard earned.

Every response to global warming / environmental terror/ shock horror quake I have heard so far is a tax on us or a barrier to freedom of movement. Petrol Taxes, taxes on rubbish, plastic bag taxes (Eire), taxes on flying, taxes on bigger cars, taxes on road use, taxes on industry, taxes on whatever, is that all we can do? If it really is so scary then taxing everything is a waste of time, we'll all be under water/dehydrated or frozen to death in a matter of months, taxing is another way of simply rationing life's pleasures for the rich while Rome burns (to mix a few metaphors).

When the scientists couldn't convince us that global warming was a result of burning said misappropriated oil, good old Gordon gets an economist to convince us. Sterns' report is about as scientific as a Doctor Who plot.

The correlation between rising CO2 levels and the earths temperature does not fit and because it is only based on our ability to record current temperatures cannilly avoids reference to previous changes in global temperature including both major and minor ice ages and much more temperate times as recent as the 16th century.

We have devised an explanation to fit the outcome of an experiment where we do not know what the inputs are. It is, at best a guess, and our panicking over it is generating an excuse to take more money off us for a supposedly virtuous cause.

Science does not support the facts and only weak trends are evidenced by a relationship between CO2 and temperature. Other correlations include increased sun spot activity, no doubt due to us eating mars bars or cattle farting, world weather cycles over generations and decades rather than years, fluctuations in the earths core temperature etc etc. Ask a scientist if CO2 levels in the earths atmosphere have ever been higher? They will say ooh yes, actually 40% higher in the Pleistocene era or whatever- did the world end, no, thought not. Was the change the result of some cataclismic happening dont know err- Ask them about ice ages and when will the next one be- We don't know, were we hit by a comet? We don't know but we do know that driving a car makes the worlds temperature rise preceptibly don't we- err no actually we don't.


Arrogance. Now that we can measure the weather and fly to the moon we can explain everything. Man, particularly English man, is obsessed with the weather. Now we think we understand it , we can explain away the geophysical changes in our climate and our planet and not only can we explain it but we can take responsibility for it, its our fault through our pathetic actions on this two million year old rock of which we have only a vague understinding. Come on get real. Pigs farting have a greater impact on CO2 than we do. OK so we grow the cows and pigs ... yes thank you to the veggies, that all lays at my door too - perhaps we should tax meat more...

So come on show me, give me the real deal, not that the weather is changing or the earth is warming, I can see that stupid. Show me that it is down to us with incontrovertible scientific evidence.

Show me:-

a) that it is mans fault that the worlds temperature is rising;

b) that you can protect my children from my accelerating consumerism;

c) that if I deny myself the pleasures of travel etc that it will make a difference; and

d) that the UK was more pleasant when it was cold and we had crap summers.

Extremists- no not really

Anyway back to the subject of terror on the streets and the wonderful war on terror. This now reminds me of a hollywood conspiracy.

Arnie flies to a new planet to uncover his lost memory. Apparently random terroists are blowing up air terminals and being chased by the police, civilised society thinks these terrorists are dreadful people and support the state war on terror.

Then the director lets us get to know the terrorists and we realise that their position is not so alien. They are disenfranchised in that no matter what public opinion says the Government of the day does what it wants anyway (Iraq ring any bells yet?). They have no political power to influence change. They have a bonifide cause re persecution (Arnie's related to being a mutant) on earth it relates to being a muslim/arab and wanting to live where you have always lived ie Isreal. But the state won't let you (Isreal not UK) and the larger self appointed world policeman allows the supression to continue for political expediency (Chehnya, Israel, Nepal, Kenya) so how do you fight against the self appointed world government (US - with UK Poodle) you become a freedom fighter and join the revolution (Well Arnie does anyway).

As the head of MI5 has said today, the terrorists are now here for a generation unless we change the perception of the world policeman, unless we stop tolerating oppression in Israel, Chechnya Africa etc. The image of the UK and our position as world terrorism target no 2 is simply becuase of Tony's and previous administrations' unswerving and niaive support for the dumb Bush dynasty (DBD). What he fuck have we got to gain from continuing support to the Isreali government that repeatedly fucks over its own and neighbouring populations. The ethnic cleansing of Jerusalem and areas around it has never been identified as an offence against humanity and yet it should be.

I do not support terrorism, war or killing in any of its forms, but normally I consider that if soldiers want to fight then let them, not my problem. Similarly with Governments, voting just encourages the bastards, but now, really now, they have pissed me off to a very great extent. I am not a muslim or likely to go out blowing up airports but I am beginning to have some sympathy with those that do. If I have some sympathy how must it be to a dissenfranchised muslim teenager in Bradford or Luton?

The stupidity of a one nation focus on foreign policy and the blind faith in one ideology against another (Crusader label anyone?) simply plays into the hands of the extremists. We preach tolerance but in the case of Israel it could properly be called appeasement. If our Government wants to turn this around then give the Israeli's a proper public and embarrassing bollocking, suggest sanctions against them and move against their interests, freeze their assetts and lets get some brotherhood going with the largest minority in the UK, the Muslin minority who contribute so much to our country and at the end of the day take so little from it.