That arse Mathew Norman

To be a decent press reporter requires a degree of neutrality. Journalism is not ostensibly about saying what you want but is more about reporting on an event. We all take for granted that there will be a little bit of bias creeping in around the edges, particularly when reading the less worthy organs of the 5th estate like the Evening Standard, Sun and Burn The Witches (sorry... Mail on Sunday).

That he should become a regular sports writer is neither here nor there, the obvious thing is he should suspend his own prejudices to report in as unbiased a fashion as possible. His article however commenting on the Carling Cup final is, how can I say it nicely, slightly unfair to Chelsea.

A quick resume of procedings would note that Chelsea played their full squad and Arsenal put out a fairly young side bringing on some more experienced players late in the game. Arsenal were the better side in the first half and Chelsea were lucky to come in at half time at 1:1. As a neutral (rabid Chelsea fan) I accept that MN is right to suggest that in the future Arsenal will be a team to be reckonned with if their existing exceptional talent stays at the club. No dispute with that point either. MN mentions that he felt cheated as Didier Drogba's first half goal was "nearly off side". Nearly off-side of course is not actually off side and the goal stands, even in the eyes of post match tv refereeing!

In a slower second half Arsenal started brightly but after 10 or fifteen minutes the pendulum swung in favour of the more experienced Chelsea team. John Terry, Frank Lampard, Micheal Ballack, Andrey Shevchenko, Didier Drogba, Arjen Robben, Ricardo Carvalho, Diarra, all began to play together and Chelsea hit the cross bar twice. Arsenal began to fade and in a goal mouth scramble Terry, diving for a header meets an Arsenal boot and is knocked unconcious. After 10 minutes when the players had recovered from their shock at Terry's injury, the tempo built back up and Chelsea appeared to be dominating. Suddenly, from a sloppy pass Robben picks up the ball in the Arsenal half and sweeps a magnificent cross to the very head of Didier Drogba who has slipped away from the woeful Senderos and scores the winner five or six minutes from time.

This is followed by a bit of handbags from both sides (not so much Arsenals youngsters but their more senior stalwarts) sparking off a bit of a brawl. Three players are sent off, the game ends Chelsea win. Now that is reported in a relatively unbaised fashion. MN however simply ignores what was a fascinating match of two different styles of football, and a legitimate win for Chelsea but prefers to describe the game as a one sided romp by Arsenals' boys who were unlucky to lose against a thuggish Chelsea with no talent or imagination.

Thanks. That MN is not fit to write about sport is obvious. He ascribes a hated of Jose to Arsene Wenger that can only reflect his own impoverished opinion, ascribes a moral victory to Arsenal which fails to reflect that this is not a political point but a football match which Chelsea won decisively by scoring more goals than the other team and fails to spot that Jose may have been employing tactics that may not have been too pretty but which, within the laws of the game, entitle him to be called the winner.

That MN also tries to create, as with much of the press, a fued between Jose and Abramovich to sell more papers and undermine his position is no more credible than his laughable attempt to write about sport in an unbiased way. I am not however constrained by the need to remain neutral and can state quite frankly that I think Mathew Norman is a cunt. I do like his missus however.

Wii

The new Nintendo- I know I have noted before the artificial scarcity ruse of corporations to sell overpriced products but the Wii is taking it too far. There are none available unless you order them from Germany or conversely from main stockists where the price is helpfully around £250. If you try harder you can see them advertised at their long term price of £179 but guess what, these are not available. Wait or pay.

Anyway if you pay you will get "the most advanced home game console ever" except you only get one numchuk (WTF is a numchuk and where did they get the word from- did they name it after the inventor or the name he gave to his penis?) so you can only play alone and must buy an additional bit of kit for the attendant siblings or solo playing will further erode off-springs personality. I am assuming here that it has been purchased for off-spring and that the buyer is not one of those idiot peter pan twenty-somethings with only a moderate grip on reality those destined never to make adulthood or sustain a meaningful relationship - er present company excepted of course.

There is something about bloggers that indicates to me that they (we?) are the retaionship-o-phobes who can express themselves on the interblog but not to our nearest and dearest ....

You will get fit chucking yer numchuk around the room hoping the wi-fi works and giving the kids the idea that they are exercising while playing computer games afterall. Yeah right .

Prepare for a spate of press reports no doubt heralded in the "Daily Mail" (UK shit paper for our overseas reader(s)), of num-chuckers elbow or "Nintendo's should come with a health warning that game play can harm your elbows (not to mention you ability to communicate with your peers, personal development, mental health and the size of your arse).

Prepare for a spate of teenagers with one enormous bicep over-developed beyond the usual w******s grip from too long clutching the num-chuck.

Your £250 toy comes with one game as standard (Numchuck sports or some such) which the little gits will tire of in under a week and will then revert to requesting gang-war-prostitute- battering-car thieving-mugger training games at the princely sum of £40 each.

So when you've bought your console, your spare num-chuck, and your new game, exercised the kids for half a day and instilled in them the full couch potato philosophy that is making UK children the fattest, laziest and least socially adept of the modern world you can ask yourself- who is the fekkin num-chuck now?

Go on treat yourself. I will.