The Chorleywood Chav

For those of you who are not in the know, Chorleywood is a small insignificant little town i Hertfordshire jsut beyond London and the M25. Whilst it is pleasant it has little of special merit to commend it in particular and tends to be one of the dullest places on earth after dark. It is in effect middle England, two small parades of second string shops a few pubs and takeaways and nothing of note to attract the night-time visitor apart from homes to burgle and cars to steal.

So visitors from other places are rare (not unwelcome in the least but unusual) and must, you would think, be going somewhere directly with some degree of purpose.

But no, there is one, a visitor, he arrives by train in the early evening, alone, and hangs or chills, sorry "fuckin' chills" in this happening metropolis with the home grown morons. Now there is nothing unusual in deformed, alienated and displaced youth (alternatively known as pikey scum) hanging out, other than the fact that he gets the train there to do it, and indeed that there is nothing there of any merit to "fuckin' chill" around.

His vocabulary is particularly limited restricted to "fuckin" and "oi" and "garfff" and one sentence I did catch along the lines of "chew'kin strinat" which I believe was directed at me last night just as I went out of earshot. Something to do with my being caught laughing at said Chav.

Now I am an old git and know little of fashion. I do however understand that Burberry should only be worn with a strong sense of the ironic which I suspect is missing from this gits mental armoury.

Coupled with the regulation addidas training kit, white socks and trainers and of course the obligatory hoodie (several of which I also own), my vague understanding is that this guy has the dress sense of Johnsons (see Harry). Similarly his mate when last seen ran a nice line in baggy nylon tracksuits in baby blue but this must surely have been some halucination on my part.

Anyway I have set the scene and it is not his or his mates attire that actually had me laughing out loud, I have seen worse and probably as a spotty kid wore far worse (not obviously reaching the heights of my brothers Kaftan but nevertheless). No said Chav has clearly been workng on his method acting and was getting fully into character when I approached last night and was, believing himself alone at this point, practising his walk.

To describe it as a walk in stead of a "swagger" is probably incorrect. David Bellamy has clearly seen a few behavioural rituals in the natural world but none as good as this. Said Chav had the feet splayed slightly, shoulders hunched and knees slightly akimbo (shitty word I know but what other would do) and was walking in the closest impersonation of a chimp that I have seriously ever seen. I had no way of recording this moron practicing his gait and would find it really hard to hold a camera still to record it. If there is anyone out there who could capture this twat on film I would pay small fortunes.

Yes Chorleywood, the twat in the (Burberry) hat. Go see him, its evil.

Mugabe Vs Prescott

When Mugabe does this, the world is in uproar- I guess at least we can go to Court! Too late for many already however I guess. Pathfinder, the progressive way to "Community Cleansing."

Churub or Seraphim.where?

Crikey! (good word Crikey!)

Islam Criticised shock horror

So the Pope quotes a 14th Century Byzantine emperor on the subject of the prophet mohammed who suggested that religeous justification for violence was unnacceptable and the nutter fundamentalists start burning churches, raping nuns, and screaming outrage in the name of defending Islam. Is this becuase of the sheer hypocrisy of the pope who's forbears have blessed millions of warrioirs on their way to break the commandments in the name of god or because of the stupidity and paranoia of the muslim soap box merchants? Is the vocal muslim outcry evidence that the byzantine emperor was right?

I dont know which group appears the most ridiculous. The pope or the outraged mullahs.

Last years outcry, demonstrations and marches about some rather dull cartoons or this current opportunity to play on the guilt of the Europeans should not be reported with any degree of understanding. Do Chinese or American press sympathetically report these nutters and their sensitivity or are they protrayed as absolutely the most stupid people on the planet as they rightly should be.

Knowledge of Islam apparently needs to be absolute as those with only a limited understanding be they the vocal outraged preachers of hate or the fanatical suicide bombers continue to make the religeon look ridiculous, violent, intolerant and its followers grossly ignorant.

Any religeous group that feels so strongly about its icon that they cannot tolerate a few ill chosen words by others in competition belays a lack of faith in said Icon.... Surely an all powerful deity is capable of withstanding a little jibing, if not, then its weakness must be obvious to all and its qualifications as a heavenly deity rather questionable.

Well done Mr Pope!

Short People Are Dangerous

Beware. Short people, particularly pint sized men between 20 and 35, are dangerous.

Please do not supply them with lager.

To avoid short people do not engage in dog breeding, slavish devotion to football, trainspotting (or bus numbers), "veterans" rugby or singles discos. Never get into a Volvo with a short person. The car will not protect you. Short rock fans maximise the risk. Do not visit Stockwell or indeed Yorkshire. There may also be some short people in Macclesfield.

Tom Cruise is short. (Is this libelous?) Nicole Kidman is tall.

Should you encounter a short person do not be fooled. They are not "cute", defenseless, harmless or even remotely capable of reason. They may at first appear to be "funny" or "humourous" but these traits and devices are just designed to put you at your ease before they snap.

They have chips on thier shoulders and vipers inside their heads and generally adopt the "South London" technique of problem resolution.

You have been warned.

Note: Short women can be cute (Patsy Kensit and Kylie) but they are also dangerous.

Kidnapped

I would like to report a kidnapping. I was taken against my will and held (apparently indefinately). I had no means of escape. My kidnappers had already taken a significant amount of money from me over the past year through extortion with menaces and blackmail. They were bleeding me dry and ruining my business. I could not go to work and could not function and then the kidnap.

It happened on a normal day, I was running late for work and took the train, as usual, towards Baker Street. At 9.15 the train stopped between stations, it stayed stopped. After several minutes/hours/days a strange rumbling could be heard and my kidnappers started to try to negotiate with us (it transpired that there were over 400 hostages!). They spoke an unintelligible language and appeared to mumble and speak so quietly that none of us understood their demands. They spoke of failure and terminations. Something to do with making points or broken promises. We were becoming scared. We all made calls to loved ones and businesses explaining how we were being held up and that we could not guess at how long our ordeal would last.

The outside world seemed disinterested, these kidnappings were becoming more and more common and usually justified by the perpetrators on the basis of some sort of green agenda. Environmental terrorists! I wish I'd driven this morning, to hell with the consequences, it would have been safer!

The gang that took us are well known for thier crimes, they are part of an underground network, a conspiracy, some say backed by Government, to extort and raqueteer, picking mostly on travellers either early in the morning or late at night. Wembley in recent years has become a blackspot for this type of invisible crime- people dissappear underground every day! For some the torment never ends. The profits made by these criminals are astronomical but nevertheless the Government does nothing, supporting the idea of a conspiracy!

Eventually we were all freed and allowed to get on with our lives. I for one can't go back to normal. Everytime I take the train I wonder if this will happen again, perhaps I wont be so lucky next time. They have been known to kill people and seem to have a complete disregard for the human condition. I could name these people but that would be futile. They are protected by their freinds could make my life a misery. Blowing the whistle in this case is a prospect long passed. They are a part of the establishment protected by their freinds in Government even sponsoring the Government who we expect to police them.

What the hell. They cant do any more to me! Its Metronet, they took me and held me this morning, other gang members include LUL ltd and the Train Drivers unions but Metronet are the most viscious of the lot!